Brainwashing children on the farm–maybe one success story


Specimen #5 seemingly not resenting watering dirt.

It’s important for urban/suburban eco-farmer types dreaming of the country life to take into account the necessity of undermining the acculturation of any specimens over the age of five who may have attended public schools or watched Gossip Girls before moving to a remote location. If the said specimens have been exposed to the helicopter parents of their friends it is extremely important for you to have already debunked any hand sanitizer myths promulgated along with any preferences for the indoors (this is also true for any farm dog you may be considering purchasing).


You could buy them expensive contraptions they at first sneer at, but then fight over intensely.

Expect problems. It’s natural for children without cable or fast internet to hunt you down in the field, batting bugs and seething with anger, to complain and sometimes even lie in a fetal position outside of the bathroom door to be there to remind the adult that life sucks in the country. Prepare for endless dinner conversations about how the country folk speak funny and pronounce “orange” wrong. Prepare for endless references to the real farm kids who drive pick ups to school and wear baseball caps with bent rims who only talk about engines and FFA.


Take them to celebrity events–no matter the celebrity.

Pretending that chopping, splitting and stacking wood is a great family fun experience that will help everyone appreciate the heat during a cold winter will send even the boys to tears by day’s end.

Make sure to give the older specimens a tour of the out buildings if you ever plan to ask them to water the chickens when you’re away for the day because they really won’t remember which building houses the chickens.

Remember, too that at the local public school, there will be a class of students who live in town (or in exclusive developments) and these will be the kids that your offspring will naturally be drawn to as they remind them of their days watching television with other normal people.

One suggestion is to pick a spouse wisely (it may be too late for most of you). This spouse should be  either a mindless follower or a really compliant people pleaser so then you may have a chance of breeding specimens who aren’t strong willed and don’t become nuisances to your farm dream.

In the end, the best way to brainwash is probably with a whip and withholding food, but these things are sadly outlawed in most states. So since you’re basically cut at the knees, pray that the specimens will one day return when the economy collapses, enjoy the days when 4 out of 5 specimens like the goat milk and when one kid seems to actually like mucking about in dirt.




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s